Dear Marin
Another year has passed, and I find myself more in awe of you than ever before. You’ve grown into a stubborn, joyful tornado, with a mind entirely of your own! I already miss the days when you were a toddler, those days when you could barely walk or talk.
I’ve cursed the sky in anger, frustrated that I can’t live those days with you twice. Now that I know so much more, I would do so much more — I would love you even more, and cherish every moment even more!
As I wallow in self-pity, wishing I could relive our past years, I realize my heart is full of memories and overflowing with love for you. Not just today, but since the very first moment. So many memories, so much laughter, so many words spoken, countless kisses, endless hugs, countless games, too many “I love you-s.”
Tears fill my eyes as I write this letter to you. I’ve made a promise to both of us: I will write you a letter every year, a ritual for your birthday:
A letter from your Father!
A letter to my child, for the future, with its importance, meaning, and message to be fully understood only much later in life.
I want to begin this letter by sharing with you one of the most profound stories of us — one that changed everything, forever.
When you decided to join us in this world, I was moving through life unconsciously, almost on autopilot. There was a small crack in my awareness, a tiny shift that had only scratched the surface. But even then, I was doing the work — learning, fighting, and searching for something more.
The day you arrived — your birthday five years ago — I was a mix of happiness, stress, and confusion (an emotion you’ll understand much later in life :)). I had loved you from the very first moment I thought of you, even without knowing you. But when I finally saw you, I didn’t know what to do or how to love you. Now, I look back at that day with a smile, knowing that you set me up on my journey to discover unconditional love.
Fast forward to May 2021, during the Corona pandemic. After you recovered from the virus (you were one of the first to have it in Kosovo), I decided to experience Ayahuasca for the first time in my life. I had no idea what it was or what would happen to me. I was still trying to bond with you and build the father-son relationship that every great father strives for. I was searching for something — something I couldn’t even name, even if it was right in front of me. But I was trying. You’ll learn this about your father: I always put in the work, just like you, full of energy and always ready to push further.
At the end of that first Ayahuasca ceremony, in the Swiss mountains, when my mind opened up, when I began to see, to understand, when I became conscious and felt real for the first time in my life — you came to me. You hugged me, kept me safe, kept me sane, and made sure that everything was and would be alright.
That night, I understood that the river of life holds the present, past, and future, and that you are as much a father to me as I am a son to you. I’m here to guide you through life just as much as you are here to guide me. You help me remember what life has made me forget, and I teach you to recall what your soul thought to forget. You heal my inner child while I help you grow into a man.
I once read that when your child calls you to play, it is God Himself, manifested through your child, inviting you. The purest essence of life appears right before your eyes. I often take that leap, though not as often as I should. But I’ve come to realize that I am only a part of your life, just as you are a part of mine. The same goes for your mother and your brother ( who is still in the womb as I write this and will soon join you in life). We are here to enrich your life, but not to be the center of your universe.
A few nights ago, you came to me and asked, “Daddy, why do you work so much?” I answered, “So that we can have more time together.” You smiled and went to sleep :)
Yesterday, while we were playing, we couldn’t finish a level, so I said, “Okay, let’s see who gets to the end first,” and you replied, “Let’s finish together!”
I have so many hopes and dreams for you, so many ideas and opportunities, but I often find myself short on time and energy. But I’m working on it, and I’ve made big improvements, especially in the past year. I’m making strategic decisions for your future and finding ways to support your development and fun. There’s always more I could do, and there’s always room for more, but I’m proud of the time we spend together and the things we learn together.
Your mother and I are consciously guiding your energy and focus toward things that will matter in the long run: learning English, Math, Coding, Writing, Reading, Technology, and Gaming (for strategy, problem-solving, and coordination). We’re also exposing you to art through Piano and Painting. I hope we can add Jiu-Jitsu to the mix in the coming year.
For the record, you already play “Rayman” on the PS5 as well as I do. That’s incredible, but it’s also a reminder of how your energy and mind can grow immensely in any direction.
I’ve learned that if you love someone, daily interaction is essential for the relationship to grow exponentially. So, we’re starting now by adding as many dimensions and topics as possible, so we can always find our way back to each other!
I might not always be by your side to fight all your battles together, but I will make sure to raise you into a confident, strong man who can win them all.
Your biggest gift this year is undoubtedly Drit and Lion. Since the beginning of this year, you’ve spent most of your days together, from Kindergarten until late at night. Three Lions — Marin, Lion, and Drit — best friends literally from day one, ready to embrace life to the fullest.
I hope we can stay close and be a part of each other’s lives as much as possible. The number of great and deep relationships you have is directly related to your chances of finding freedom. But the most important relationship is the one you have with yourself. Be loyal, take responsibility, don’t become bitter, have fun, and never play the victim.
I want to end this letter with the words of the great psychologist Viktor Frankl:
Freedom, however, is not the last word. Freedom is only part of the story and half of the truth. Freedom is but the negative aspect of the whole phenomenon whose positive aspect is responsibleness. In fact, freedom is in danger of degenerating into mere arbitrariness unless it is lived in terms of responsibleness.
With love, Babi ❤
Prishtine, 17.08.2024
